Happy Mother’s Day (A thank you to my children)

This Mother’s Day instead of awaiting the requisite phone calls and cards,  I’m writing a letter to you, my darling offspring.

It’s because of you that I am a mother.  This day isn’t about me.. or rather it shouldn’t be. It should be about the ways you kids make me a better person, a better human being.

It’s because of you that I do what I do.  I fight all day everyday for those who can’t advocate for themselves. I teach them ways to communicate with the world around them and how to have positive social interactions.  I do it because I want you to see that every person is worth something. No matter how different they are from you,  regardless of mental capacity, they are worth something.

It’s because of you, Medea, that I fight and stand up for Women’s Rights. You have had  access to education in every way. You’ve  gone to a good school, attended music classes and had the opportunity to play sports, and if you  needed  it,  you could get tutoring and other help along the way. But there are so many, many little girls and women out there is this big world that don’t have that right. They can’t go to school, they can’t hold jobs and they’re treated like second class citizens and when I look at you… I know that isn’t right. It’s because of you that I think a woman’s body and what she chooses to do with it– should be her business and her business only;  because I know I would hate for any one to tell you what you had to do with yours.  So I vote, I protest, I support– because of you.

My darling boys — it’s because of you two sweet, smart, innocent, beautiful boys that I support Anti-bullying campaigns.  I don’t know what I’d do if anyone were to hurt you in any way, so I choose to educate people about bullying and how it’s hurting our children and ways to stop it.

It’s because of all of you that I support marriage equality. The thought of any of you not being able to marry the one you loved devastates me. You’re going to learn that you were born in a country where you can be whatever you want to be. You have something that lots of men and women fought very, very hard for – freedom. You get to decide if you want to go to college, or to trade school, or just finish with high school. You get to choose whether you want to start your own business, or work at a big company on Wall Street, or join the Army (Air Force) . You get to decide to have children, or adopt children, or foster children. You will be able to own a house, or a car, or a boat. You can practice a religion if you want.   Unless you are gay. Why, you ask? Well, because some people believe that one kind of love is better than another. Some people believe that certain kinds of love are wrong. I want you to know that no matter who you are or who you love, I want you to always be true to yourself and never worry that Mom and Dad won’t support you. I also want you to be kind and open, and know that no matter who you love, your kind of love is not better than any other.

Because of the three of you, I am who I am — and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Thank you, Bryan, David and Medea for making me a mother and a better person.

Love, Mumma

 

My journey to Agnosticsm

If you are a long time follower of me here.. or are someone who has known me for a long time, you’ll know that I am not a “Child of God”. (well, I mean… I’m not a “follower?) I grew up with my mother believing in God, and angels. I have been baptized, I was “saved” at a Bible camp in my youth. However, in the last few years, God and I have had a “Falling out” of sorts or more like a “I don’t really know if you’re real” kind of thing going on. But God/Buddha/Higher Power/Allah, Ishtar, Neptune and Zeus, ohh, would I like to believe in you.

I want to be  something. I was baptized and “saved” as a Christian-still am to family. I don’t  practice but that community feeling in a church is intoxicating. Being told that there is someone who loves you and will always love you made me so happy. I love(d) being loved unconditionally and knowing that there was a family outside of my own blood and flesh family that was there for me, should I stumble and fall or need a hand moving that over sized entertainment center from one crappy apartment to another.

As children (in those “Christian families”), we aretold that God is present everywhere. So, as a kid I saw God’s hand in nature and everything small and beautiful. My favorite God-creation was a butterfly. I used to creep up towards a butterfly and gently holding it marvel at its colors and beauty.When I released it, it would flutter its wings and return to rest on the flowers I had kept it from attending to (Side note… don’t touch butterflys– You ruin their wings and then they can’t help pollinate flowers and I really like flowers) .  Then one day in a summer bible camp,  I was told with a startling finality that the only way to Heaven is through ‘God’. I should have jumped at that announcement, happy that he had assured us all a place in Heaven, especially  me. But I was quite disturbed by his declaration and timidly asked him, “What happens to those from other faiths or who don’t believe?”  The answer ” If you choose not to believe in God you go to Hell”  Period. End of Discussion.

But that was also the end of my unstinting belief in God.  It was unjust for my mother to pass away so young, and right at the time when I needed her most (Just having been divorced after 12 years and within a year of a heartbreaking miscarriage). It was just salt into an open wound to lose my Nana so soon after my mother. It seems unfair to say that just because someone believes in a different God that they can’t get into the same heaven as me (should I believe thats where I am going to end up) It seems unfair to think that just because someone was born homosexual, that they won’t be able to get into heaven, but someone who HATES homosexuals and does what ever is in their power to discriminate against them is allowed in.  What pisses me off to no end is when people say what happens  is  God’s will and that God has a plan. I used to believe this when confronting setbacks in my own life and learning about the suffering of people I love. But like everything else in my world, that belief has been shot to hell. What kind of God sits by while millions die and suffer through war, famine, pestilence, natural catastrophes? Or watches from above while people get raped, abused, shanked, tortured, waste away? Since the day I lost my mother, I’ve felt abandoned. I can’t pray anymore. When family members speak  of God or prayer, I snort and tell them I couldn’t abide by such dogmatic mores. When I break down, I sometimes want to call out to Him, begging Him for strength to continue and to diminish my pain. Then I stop myself. I steady myself. I tell myself that I am strong and that I can continue and that I can lessen my pain. He wasn’t there for me when I most needed Him so from now on it’s just Me, Myself and I.

Now I feel more agnostic. I don’t feel that spiritual connection anymore but I still catch myself whispering a quick prayer (taking a deep breath and hoping (kinda like making a wish on a birthday candle for lack of a better explanation) for help in trying situations. I still look to receive “Divine Inspiration”  when I feel troubled  (OK, honestly I listen to The Beatles Let it Be — But it’s pretty much the same thing) . But as soon as the storm passes, it’s as though He/She /It/They  were never there and I was talking to myself. (Not that that is an unusual situation, anyway).

Not to mention, so much hate in the bible, and the atrocities being carried out in the name of God just turns me off. But why do I still want that extra SOMETHING?

 

How do you guys feel? Doesn’t religion sound attractive, warm and comforting? Doesn’t atheism or agnosticism seem so cold in trouble? Does it  help to think that there is no higher power that loved you, loves you and will always love you?

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday mom! 

It’s hard to believe that it has been only 3 years since you left us and even harder not to pick up the phone to call you and wish you a happy birthday.  But today, I celebrate your life and the memories that you have created for me.  To remember your laughter as we chatted about various things from the weather, to your grandchildren, to what was going on in my life.  Wishing that I could hear your voice once more, for only just a minute.  We used to talk for hours on end about just anything and nothing.  I miss watching the kids talk to you, They would smile at me and shrug their shoulders, but just kept talking to you, telling you that they loved and missed you.. their Nana.

I remember visiting you for vacations, spending days and evenings with you.  Some times we would talk, some times we would just sit quiet in our own thoughts.  But every night before we went to bed, we’d say “I love you” and “see you tomorrow”.  I remember that last time I saw you with a heavy heart.  It felt so wrong to say “I love you” and not say “See you tomorrow”.

So today, mom, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and to remember you as you were – strong, brave, loving…special.

You may be gone from this physical earth, but you live within me every day, every moment, every second.

Happy Birthday, mom….I love you