I don’t really even know where to begin.
In many ways, I am still dealing with the emotions of losing my Mom. She will have been gone 3 years this coming March I still miss her terribly, every day.
She was my very best friend.
Her influence on my life is everlasting.
But the truth is…my mom, my best friend, my forever-confidant is gone. I will not ever see her again and that hurts.
But life must move on. It moves slowly at times. Painfully at times. But it moves on.
Seasons have passed.
Holidays have been celebrated.
Mom’s still gone.
One of the hardest parts of loosing Mom has been watching my dad live without her.
When Dad first lost Mom, he was surrounded with so much love and support. Meals were brought to him, cards were sent to him, everyone was spending time with him.
But then something happens.
Life moves on. The cards stop. The visits stop. The meals stop.
The day to day life without Mom had begun for my dad. And he was lonely.
Dad lived half a year without Mom before meeting Kathy. To some that may seem like a short amount of time. Dad was married to my Mom for 30 wonderful years, so I cannot help but think that 6 months without her must have felt like an eternity to him.
During that time, my family and I were really worried about him. He wasn’t himself anymore. He seemed so depressed.
We wanted him back.
And then , Dad met Kathy…
To find out Dad was dating someone was hard. But when I saw how happy my dad was, it made it a little easier. Dad could have lived his remaining years on this earth sad, lonely, and incomplete. That would have been devastating. But, she made him smile again and tell jokes again and go fishing again and laugh again…
Don’t get me wrong. She has not replaced my mom. Will not ever. So how did I feel when Dad got married?
Well, yesterday before the wedding, I felt fine.When the ceremony began, I felt a little nervous for Dad. I could tell he was nervous (even though he said he wasn’t). 🙂
Then it came to the part of the ceremony where they exchanged their vows, and it started to hurt.
To hurt deeply.
Happy for my dad and Kathy, yet angry that my mom was gone.
It should have been MY MOM up on that d0ck renewing her wedding vows with my dad in front of her children and grandchildren!!!
I could just see Mom on that dock, and her sweet face looking over her shoulder at all of us and smiling. SHE LOVED HER FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!
I must have swallowed a million times, desperately trying to swallow down the tears. I didn’t want to lose it in front of the family, or Kathy, or Dad.
Then I told myself I needed to get it together! I was hurting but I had to stop . I had to go and smile and celebrate. Mom would have wanted me to.
I went in, freshened up my makeup so it wouldn’t look like I had been crying and went outside to take some wedding pictures with the rest of the family. I was able to keep it together the rest of the time.
It was a beautiful day and a beautiful ceremony.
** This was very hard to write. I want to sit and complain about all the times I got yelled at yesterday for something going wrong or not the exact way it was supposed to go. I want to complain about all the things I have done and will continue to do that I have not and probably will not be thanked for. But, I am trying to be a good daughter and not say anything that would make my Dad unhappy**