What I wish you knew..

  • I desperately want to be accepted
  • I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
  • I smile all the time because I don’t know what else to
  • I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
  • There are so many things I wish I could say
  • I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn’t talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
  • I want to make a difference in the world
  • I’m always in a state of obsession.  I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
  • I’d love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
  • There is always an empty feeling inside me.
  • I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
  • I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
  • No one could berate me more than I do myself
  • I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
  • I’m not trusting of anyone, not even myself
  • I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I’m different, and I feel like a failure when I am the same as everyone else.
  • I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a someone that could hurt me again, and I fear I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life
  • I wear my weight like an armor
  • The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
  • I always feel like a burden but usually try hide that
  • I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
  • When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the “me” in the memory always looks fat and ugly and clumsy
  • I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
  • I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism
  • I am scared shit-less because I don’t know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
  • I only pretend to be immature: I’m scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be for fear that some one will laugh
  • I need help believing in myself
  • I am desperately trying hold on to my faith and my belief in a greater power
  • I don’t know who I am or what I’m all about.

 

Because I need someone to know how I feel. I need to put it out there . Maybe someone will get some use out of it– God knows keeping it all bottled up inside my head isn’t doing me any favors.

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13 thoughts on “What I wish you knew..

  1. I’m going to subscribe to “•I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of” — mainly becuase I’ve been taking care of myself for a very long time (doing my own laundry since I was 9, running a household since I was 13). I say I want someone to take care of me and people deride me saying that i should be independent. And all i can think is “sooooo overrated.” There’s some give and take, no?

    “•I wear my weight like an armor” — this used to be me, especially when it came to dating, now my self-depricating humor is my armor

    “•I always feel like a burden but usually try hide that” My dad once told me not to argue with friends b/c they won’t like me. I learned to placate, mollify, and to be the helper. I don’t let my friends help me nearly as much as I offer to help them. That’s a one-sided relationship, eh? Back to that whole give and take…

  2. Oh, Becky. As I checked off the majority of the items on your list, I kept thinking, “Why would she think these things?” But at the same time I was saying, “Yep, that’s me. Omg, that’s me too!” I couldn’t help wishing I had gotten to know you on a deeper level much, much sooner. How alike we really are. I’m great at givng advice, but of course I never take my own, no matter how spot-on it may be. I think I could write a entire blog post about your blog post. But what resonated with me most was the one that said you are never at peace. I wish you peace, Becky, and I will pray that God gives it to you. To both of us.

  3. WHY would you put this “out there”-sounds as if you need some therapy or meds or probably both. Do something for someone who has less than you-push a kid in a wheelchair at a school for a day, and feed him because he can’t feed himself. Go to dinner with a lonely old man who just lost his wife. Help out with a neighbor who has a husband with ALS and isn’t going to be around much longer. Quit your whining.

    • Oh sweetie… Bless your heart. I’m guessing that you didn’t read any of my blog before posting this. Otherwise, you’d realize that I’ve worked with SPMI/TBI/Non-Verbal Violent Autistic youth for the past 5 years and did all of those things before having to leave that field due to a traumatic spinal injury that I received from those same clients. Read and think before posting , love . XOXO, Becky

    • Nowhere in this post did she say that her life was so hard. That her life was so difficult. She’s just explaining how she feels. So that she doesn’t have to keep it bottled up inside. So that it doesn’t build up into something even bigger than what she’s already feeling.
      If it really pisses you off to read this…if you’re really going to take the time to respond with a non-productive comment, maybe YOU, my friend, should re-evaluate how you spend YOUR time. Quit your bitching.

  4. Oh how this made me tear up. I feel you on more levels than one. I understand this post all too well. I appreciate and admire your bravery to post something like this. This allows people to see and know you are human and that you go through things too. Lets folks know they aren’t alone. You were vulnerable in even posting this. I commend you so much Becky. You are such an inspiration and I am grateful and thankful to know what I know about you and I hope to continue to get to know more. Don’t let your lil hater up there get you down either. Apparently she couldn’t read, and just didn’t get it.

    SS ❤

  5. Pingback: Bless your heart, Sweetie. « If You Give A Girl A Cookie…

  6. You are a total badass for writing this. I mean, way to lay it all out there. That shit it hard to say, even to yourself.
    And I think so many women feel a lot of those same things. I know I do. Let’s not let in fester in the dark corners. Let’s talk about it, people. Then maybe we can start to let it go.

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